Have you ever felt this way like all of your strength is being suck by an unknown existence. Like I don't have the will to move, smile or live. I want to vanish at this moment. Nope I just want the pain inside my heart to vanish so I could live freely. If there's a medicine who can make me forget the painful memories, I'll drink it right now without hesitation. Because I can't bear it anymore, I want to cry but when I think of it when was the last time that I cry? Yeah it was  long time ago. When I decided to become someone else I decided to throw that part of me as well as my weak self but I didn't know that it will only make me more miserable. It will only make me suffer more, my inability to cry when I'm in pain makes me more miserable than I was in the past. I want to retrieve the word "Give Up" that I deleted from my memory. I want to retrieve it right now and used it. I want to give up everything that's making my body heavy, the pain, the hope, the dreams and the desire. Right now I want to remove them out of my head, my heart I want to become empty for a moment so I can at least relax in just a short amount of time. I want to lay on my bed, close my eyes and delete all the memories of my hurtful past, so when the next time I open my eyes I can say that I'm really alright. Because I can't keep on lying to everyone, especially to myself. I can't continue saying that I'm fine when the truth is I'm not fine but scared, and tired.

I want to rest from pain already... :'(

I am lost. Please、 find me.

　　人生で迷ってる。。。

          こんな気持ちが分かりますか。どんどん小さくなって、くるしくて寂しい。私は自分のなりたかった事はもう分からない、無くしたんだ。
          ここに行きたかった、それが本当なんです。夢なのにどうして自信は迷ってしまった。なんか私の事が分からなくなってしまった。悩んで事がいっばい家族のこと、将来のこと、夢をかなえてようなこと。私は弱いな人間になった、いいえ、最初から弱いだった。ただ、今自分の仮面をかぶってる。全部の私が嘘だけだ。私は嘘な世界でいきる、自分で作った世界、この世界で隠します。リアルの世界で逃げただけです。

誰か私を助けて？君とリアル世界に戻りたい。

HANA

Remembering her makes my tears flow..that it wont stop

I miss her a lot

       Its been a year and a half already since we lost her. My precious and dearest Auntie, tonight as I look at her Facebook page which was made when she was still alive.
      Every time I miss her I look at that page and leave a comment. I also did that tonight, while typing every letters my tears keep flowing, my heartaches and my head spins. I really miss her so much. She's a good daughter, a great mother and admirable person. All of my cousins are close to her so am I. So it is really painful for me not to see her and wouldn't be able to hear her voice anymore. Just thinking about that makes me mourn over and over again.
     I admit I haven't moved on, no! I can't move on for me moving on and accepting she's not going to return anymore is a hell for me. I'm being selfish for confining her farewell. I just can't, not yet. Even for the last time I wanna see her and hug her even if it is inside a dream.

Please show me your smile again, and hug me tightly... Cause I regret it not, having the chance to hug you before you leave us. Maybe after that I would learn to move on.

I LOVE YOU, My Dearest Auntie.. Until we meet again

Hana